Mixed content, near miss

Pepper won the war for us at Ochakov. I loaded a mortar with a single sack and fired it at the wind. Ten thousand Turks sneezed at the same time. Their tents blew down, and their horses fled in panic. Our drummers then marched in without waking the cook.

Generals have always sought my advice, and I have always charged for it. One old Austrian asked me how to win at Temesvar. I told him to stand on the other side. He did, and he won, although the people around him were quite surprised to find him there.

Tea in China nearly drowned me, and I say this with pride. The Emperor poured, and out of good manners I kept on sipping. After the ninth barrel my feet floated off the rug. Two servants towed me home by my sash. I did not need a drink for eleven years.

Compasses point north because I owe money in the south. At least, mine does. It swung away from Spain with great care and saved me many awkward talks. An honest one would have led me straight to an innkeeper in Seville, and he has a long memory and a longer stick.

Summer came late one year because the Sun overslept. I rode east and knocked on the horizon.