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Ghosts at my castle pay rent. I made that clear to them on the first night. The Gray Lady cleans the silver. The headless knight holds the door, since he needs no room to turn. One old monk was late with his share, and I made him haunt the neighbors.

Sausages were my only weapon the day the Prussians took the bridge. I swung a ten-foot link around my head. Men fell left and right, and their dogs changed sides. We won by dusk. The general gave me a sword, but I have always preferred the smoked kind.

Swiss children still sing of my skates. One icy winter on Lake Geneva I went so fast that I crossed it before I had left. I met myself coming back, and we bowed. Only one of us could pay the bill at the inn, so I sent him.

Hannibal had it easy in the mountains. I crossed them with a piano, a bath, and my aunt. The piano went first and played its own farewell. My aunt stayed behind to run a small inn near the top. She has outlived two.