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A snail raced me from Naples to Rome, and I let him win. It took seven years, with stops. The crowds were dreadful. At the finish he was given a laurel no bigger than a coin, and he cried. I have seldom been so moved by an athlete.

Clocks in my castle ran so fast that we ate dinner before breakfast. I caught the biggest one and shook it hard. Out fell three days and a Tuesday. I put them back in a drawer for later. When I am late, I simply take one out and spend it.

Rivers run downhill because they have never met me. I once talked the Danube into going the other way for an afternoon. Boats sailed up to Ulm without any effort. Then a fish complained to the mayor, and I let the old river go back to its usual job.

Whales snore, as any sailor knows, but one in the North Sea kept our whole ship awake. I rowed out at midnight and tied a ribbon around its nose. The snoring became a soft, sweet whistle. Sailors now steer by that tune, and the whale sends me herring each Christmas.

Innkeepers in Bavaria hide when I arrive. At one such house I ordered a small snack. They.